BIXBY BLOODBATH: ANOTHER SEAL MASSACRED!!!

This floating, rotting, seal carcass was spotted today near the Bixby Ranch in Northern Santa Barbara County! Local divers entered the water and reportedly observed bite marks on the mangled, bloated pinniped corpse, accompanied by the festering, rancid, stench of death.

Given the abundance of mammalian sea life in these waters, it is no surprise that this local ecosystem has repeatedly demonstrated evidence that it actively serves as a feeding ground for the ocean’s most fearsome predator, Carcharodon carcharias, white death, the man in the gray suit, the monstrous: Great White Shark.